“stranger danger!”
“strangers are dangerous, don't talk to them”
How many of you got told that growing up? Along with:
“don’t talk back”
“don’t put the metal fork in the electrical socket!”
More than likely, everyone in this room has received these rules and had them etched into their brain. I heard them constantly growing up, but one particular set echoed in my brain and shaped my interactions within the community.
The rules we received at the earliest stages of our development were usually given with the unsaid stipulation of obeying without question and without much explanation other than that our parents want what is best for us. But these universal truths that we accept as law, are not without consequence especially “ Don’t talk to strangers.”
My young brain was programmed by the people I trusted most to be afraid of everyone. The adults in my life were echo chambers for the sentiment that strangers are evil, they might hurt you, you don’t know what they’re going to you, don’t trust them. And of course, this isn’t completely awful advice for a vulnerable child, But as an adult, not so much.
Yet, this “truth” of strangers being dangerous didn’t suddenly disappear. It took work to drop the maladaptive conditioning I received as a child and remind myself that as an adult have I the ability to use the social cues I learned as a child to discern whether or not a fellow adult has malicious intent, and so do all of you. Yet we as a population are becoming increasingly isolated. So, I would like to ask you what would happen if instead of dangerous, we saw strangers as potential sources of comfort and belonging?
I would like to tell you some of the benefits of speaking with strangers. And why I’ve decided to take this year to speak to at least 1 new person a day with the intent to have a meaningful conversation where I learn at least 3 things about them. I won’t lie. I get nervous before deciding to speak to someone new. But I had to realize these are people who just were like me and most of them are not monsters who are trying to hurt me. I can not! we cannot close off ourselves in our own little world. While having a close circle of friends is important, we don’t have to cut off the chance to expand because in doing so, we miss out on opportunities to meet new, exciting people, have new experiences, learn something new. Social interactions are vital to the human psyche, we as humans are intrinsically social, and fostering healthy interactions is important to our mental health. Friends keep us from being lonely, grounded, they encourage us to go after our dreams, they teach us new things, they help us deal with stress, and provide us with support when we need it.
Research has found that an overwhelmingly strong predictor of happiness and well-being is the quality of a person’s social relationships. A few years ago I moved to a new country where my social circle there were all once strangers. I moved there with no family connections or friends. But now I am surrounded by people I love and care about and that network is constantly expanding, even as recently as last month when an older woman at the store saw me struggling amongst the beetroots and came to my rescue. The next thing I knew she was inviting me over for coffee at her house and we have plans to see a play together. There was even a time when I had ventured to the beach with a friend, We got into a conversation with some guy, and he invited us to a party that he was going to, my gut reaction was to decline and go home to watch Netflix, but ultimately we agreed to tag along. While the intricacies of that night are a different story and I haven’t seen that guy since, it was an amazing party, one that my friend and I still talk about and a story that I have to tell my grandkids.
We as a society, can all agree that social skills and communication skills are paramount to success, but that’s what they are, skills! Skills that need refinement and practice and interacting with our fellow humans, even the ones we don’t know is a great way to practice those skills. And I know, I know what if you say something weird or make a faux pas, or even get rejected when trying to interact? But that’s the great thing about strangers, you can simply never see them again, it’s low risk possibly high rewards interaction. And as you continuously talk to people you have never talked to before, the more you learn how to make small talk, how to start conversations, how to break away from conversations, and how to generally have engaging and meaningful interactions with other people.
Now you may ask. How do I speak to strangers? And I tell you to just say hello! That simple hi! But remember to detach yourself from the outcome. Don’t worry about whatever happens. If the conversation flows well, that’s great. If it doesn’t, or if the person rejects you, who cares. Once you learn how to detach yourself from the outcome, you will stop pressuring yourself, you will feel more confident, and you will be more present in the conversation. Strangers hold the keys to all kinds of knowledge that we want. Unfortunately, you will never know if you don’t talk to them. By keeping your mouth shut, you are robbing yourself of the chance to meet an exciting person and make a new friend. Next time you see a stranger you think looks interesting I encourage all of you to talk! Talk to your workmate on zoom that never turns on her camera? Perhaps she loves to go to books as much as you do and is a part of a book club you can join. Talk to that stranger you see almost every day! Talking to strangers can also be great fun and make up for a spontaneous, exciting day. So next time just say hello!
edited and reviewed by Amanda W
